Monday, July 16, 2012

I just wanna say...i'm tired

to me it's not easy to confess to myself: " are tired. you're just a human. when you juggle with tasks as Mom, Wife, Working 8-5, Running ur own business and as fashion design student, you cannot be perfect in everything since you have to share yourself to all of it"

man... my proud will stop me to spit it out.

but after these past weeks, a frustrating and stressfull weeks i must say... i have to confess, and let it out.

Please don't get me wrong, i love everything i do and everything i have in my life. it's just that too many things going on, too many deadlines that i barely feel the love i used to feel in doing all if them.

As a wife and a mom, no further discussion. these two roles are my main roles. i love being and doing it the most. it's never stressful, it's tiring yes (again, i must admit) but never stressed me out.

Working 8-5, well.... i've been doing it for the past 10 years, i must admit i already lost the sparkle in doing it. especually since i have Sarah. this 8-5 works has ripped out 9 hours of my time with my family and i hate that. but for the time being i must keep it going. we are building our own business, and when it's going steady, safe and sound i'll fly from here.
No matter how busy, or not busy i am in the office, my 9 hours per day still occupied that prevent me to do anything else. altho... there was days when i bring my design assignments to office and doing it secretly. hehehe. it wasn't easy but that's the only way i could get it done on time.
I have to explain to you my daily routine so you can get a picture of why i feel absorbed and wasted.

i woke up everyday at 5am, getting ready for work, if Sarah already awake i use 5-10 minutes to play with her and leave house at 6. Arrive office at 8 and work, work, work till 5pm. i usually arrive home around 6.30pm. having dinner with hubby, take a shower and watch TV with Sarah. i cannot do my design assignment until i put Sarah to sleep. You cannot draw sketch or sewing with distraction. no it's not gonna work.
so around 9 (after teletubbies in Cbeebies) me and hubby put Sarah to bed. if we are lucky she'll sleep quietly. but, there's always a possibility of drama, sometimes she's angry and want to watch TV again, sometimes she didn't want to go to bed yet, sometimes this and that...oh so many things can happen that i have to remind myself not to explode (kidding, but yeah sumtime i feel it). when she's (finally) asleep, it's time for me to do my design assignments and handling order for my OL Shop. usually, around 10.30pm, i'll work till 1am if it's working days or till sunrise if it's weekend. (i'm not kidding, nor lying, it's 10000% true) on saturday, i spent whole morning to play with Sarah and clean up the house. until 12pm i took off to school and stayed there for 4 hours. the class finished at 4pm sumtimes more then hubby will picked me up. this saturday afternoon is our only time to have date so we usually see movies or just have dinner. we always go home to Sarah before 9pm so we can play with her and go to bed together. again, my cycle of putting her to bed and get up to do my assignments repeat here. on Sunday, if the night before i do my assignment till sunrise i usually still waken up in the morning to say goodbye to hubby. he's having work to do on sunday and we will only see him again on the evening :( .
during sunday morning, i usually take Sarah to nanny to feed her & play with her while meeee...the mommy have to go back to my assignments, OL Shop thingies, and works! i usually worked from morning to afternoon. i always stopped at 2pm, to have lunch then play with Sarah and if i really exhausted we both take a nap till 5pm. at 5pm sarah will take a bath and dinner (she always have early dinner) and it's a chance for me to continue my assignments till hubby got home.
hubby usually got home at 6.30pm, this time we'll have family time and i try hard to forget my undone assignments whatsoever. then suddenly it's night again, and tomorrow is Monday again, oh.... we started it all over again.
i must confess, that 90% of the crazy working hours is my own mistake. I always been this maniac-perfectionist-yet-easily-got-stressed-out biyatch that when sumthin going wrong a little bit on thing i've been doing i will re-do and re-do till it's right. and when it's a total mess, i will ripped it out and started all over again. and another thing about being a perfectionist is, you can never stop until it's done. yes, i made my own hell on earth, but what can i do?
all my life i always envy people who can put down things they're doing and have fun and not to worry of the undone jobs.

it's not a fun fact. i love fashion design, my business, and in general my life, i have passion in it, or else i cannot pour my self into that crazy hours of doing all of this things. but, when it cost me my time and energy to do all the jobs and left me dry when i'm with Sarah & Hubby, i started to questioned my priority.
This Fashion Design thingies and own a business supposed to be my future. so that i'll be able to spend more time with family, working on my own deadline and put family in my top priority.

Running own business. i have my online shop, while i still do selling offline from place to place (mostly office, friends & family) last week hubby just signed rental in a shopping centre for us to open our offline shop, Yay for that. i'm so happy, it's one step closer to erase those 8-5 from my routine. we planned to enroll Sarah to reguler school this September, and i always dreamed to be in home when she's started school. i want to take her to and from school, prepare her lunch and spent the afternoon with her, no more "i have to go to..." or "I have to do..." no more...oh how delightful.
anyway... we planned to open the store this weekend, well, that's another deadline for me.Shoot. but, this "own our own business" has been our dream since a long time, it's a part of way to reach my goal like i stated above. Spend more time with family, working on my own deadline & be there for my daughter most of the time. Running business may be exhausting but to be able to manage our own time is priceless.
so for this one, i cannot put aside now. once it settled i will started to produce my own clothes and sell it together with other stuff there.

I also planned to join local designers to sell my clothes in a place located in a shopping mall. it will be great if i did, only that, i must produce samples immediately for curation, and once it's approved i must set up my counter as fast as i can. i can do it, but not now. it's not a good timing for me. once my own store fully set up and running well i will do it. but again, not now. they're not going anywhere.

These pas weeks, i feel drowsy, bad temper, bored at life. till yesterday... i wrote down in paper all of my responsibility, all of my fears, all of my "wants" and all of my "needs". and i finally come to conclusion.

My fashion design school is about to finished. next week is the examination. don't get me wrong i love it to the bone but there's a part of me that say "I just want to get it over with!" due to the many deadlines in my head currently and it's not good for my soul. so i decided that after First grade is over, i'll take break from school. I'll continue to 2nd grade whenever i want it! yes, i decided to take control on my life. no more deadline the perfectionist me, only from me. a patient, laidback, and fun Me okay?
I may be continue in two months after enjoying 8 free saturdays or maybe i'll continue in next 6 months or a year once i already resigned from my 8-5 what? i won't leave my sketch book and my sewing machine during this period since I planned to also sell my own designed clothes in my store later, Amien.
I won't participate in a competition that was planned before, i don't want another deadline at this moment. i'll be crazy busy with store preparation, office, house and family stuff so why i stressed out myself with more deadline?
It's supposed to be fun and passionate so i must remember why i started it on a first place.
"Spend more time with family, working on my own deadline & be there for my daughter most of the time"
so if at the end this things take me to opposite way, i should check my priority again. and reboot!

hah... i'm so relieve i let it out. i feel better now. pffiuuh

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